And Life Goes On....

As I sit here at my laptop, already feeling the heat of the day washing over me, I feel the urge to put some of my recent thoughts down here.

"God's reality is higher than human expectations - always. 

Raise your expectation to reflect His reality."

Chris Tiegreen ("At His Feet" Devotional Mark 5:21-43") 

How do I do that?  Or do I fall back into a complacent attitude of

 "and life goes on..."? 

It is soooo difficult to maintain the desire to rise above that complacency and raising my expectation to reflect His reality. 

I'm sensing a real spiritual, actually physical, battle going on in my spirit, mind & soul.  Who or what will win the day?  There is rising up in me a deeper, far deeper, hunger to

 "seek His kingdom first and not the things of this world"

(Matthew 6:33).

That desire is the Holy Spirit's work in my spirit, reminding me that I CAN'T fall backwards but need to keep on keeping on, as the saying goes! 

The walk of faith is not an easy one, no matter what some pastors teach.  To grow in that faith, that in Jesus Christ became reality many years ago now, is to also suffer through tribulation, testings, and hardships of many faces.  But, as our pastor and a dearly loved pastor who passed away a couple years ago, said we are responsible for our own spiritual growth.  Responsibility?  To whom? 

It's too easy to believe and live as society teaches that we are only responsible to ourselves and what we decide to do doesn't effect anyone else.  "we are an island onto our self"?  What a lie!  What about our children, if we should be so blessed?  Is it not proven over & over again that children imitate what they see & hear?  Where does our children pick up cursing, rudeness, and a lack of respect?  AND at very young age?  Yes, as a Christian, it's easy to lay our responsibility down to "we are born in sin" and little children reflect that truth. 

Okay..."and life goes on...". 

Responsibility!  So...how does that play itself out within me?  CAN I become complacent?  God Forbid!!! 

Even as I write these thoughts down here, the fight returns!!  Amazing, huh.  I pick up the torch once more and know that it will not be to nothing.  I do have a responsibility to walk in the Spirit and not in the flesh before my God, my family, & my friends.  For the sake of the future generation, my children & grandchildren, may the Faith of my Fathers be evident in my life today, tomorrow and until I leave this world.  It will be my heritage to them and a testimony of God's love, mercy & grace. 

"And life goes on...". 

It is never, never stagnant!  It goes on, yes, but what I decide to do with it is my responsibility and only in this case is it mine alone! 

So I will continue to reach forward

'toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 3:12-4:1) Amen

Well, this has helped me to be strengthened in the spirit, soul & mind today.  I could continue to praise and worship, glorify and honor my Lord God Almighty and guess, I will just not here...

"and life goes on...". 

God's Blessings,
Jeanine  

Fresh Hope comes with Summerlike days....

Since we've been enjoying such sunny, warm days while still being in March, my spirit is lifted and hope renewed.

Today, a month since John's last treatment for cancer, he made his first trip outside to do his own banking and picking up the paper.  I am still doing the driving and he had the trip well mapped out for an easy time of it.  I believe the warmer days and bright sunshine has helped to renew his spirit and fresh hope.  My role is one of encourager and supporter.  Encouraging him by reaffirming that he HAS gotten stronger, he CAN eat everything now, and to allow his mind to accept the fact he ISN'T throwing up anymore!  Anyone who has experienced such a traumaticly stressed time of their body sinking so low and being so weak understands the mental and emotional changes.  It has been really a difficult period for my husband!  Bring on the SPRING! For with the spring season comes fresh hope and renewal, that which was dead now begins to show signs of life anew. 

The weight loss and guantness of his body added a certain amount of distress each day as he looked in the mirror every morning.  Brushing his teeth, rinsing his mouth with soda water which made him vomit, he wondered if he'd ever gain back himself!  The struggle with constipation, bowels backed up, was crippling to his spirit.  There wasn't a part of him unaffected by this cancer and it's treatment! 

BUT NOW, he's eating everything as well as increasing his intake at each meal, we switched soda water to Club Soda, and with eating regular food amd more of it, he's drinking the Boost/Ensure Protein drinks 3-4x/day instead of 6-8x/day.  He's walking stronger and steadier, can speak without slurring and is totally understandable and making sense! 

At one point during these past few weeks I wasn't so gracious and kindhearted.  It was "John I can't make you do what you need to do, so it's now up to you!" This throwing my hands up in the air attitude did get him moving, so guess it wasn't such a bad thing! I thank God that He turned it into something good for John.  I, of course, gently helped him to think things through so that he could make those good choices but didn't take over again! And yes, he did thank me and appreciate my being there every step of the way.  This moment also led us to the opportunity to share our frustrations and pain, and fears for a change.  Fresh hope, renewed life! 

Our future?  We return to the hospital for follow-up appointments with the Specialists as well as tests that will show us the prognosis.   HOPEFUL? YES!  FUTURE? BRIGHT!  Why? Because we still have a God Who loves us and is intimitely involved in the Life process!   WE CHOOSE LIFE!  Spring is shining brightly in my heart & spirit today and my faith is still in the Resurrected Christ Who we celetrate this Season!   To God Be The Glory!!      

Blessed Easter Everyone - We serve a Risen Savior today & every day!   Rejoice evermore! 

Life is Fragile

Well here we are a good month into 2012 and I know only that my God is in it! 

John & I have been on a roller coaster ride along our Life Journey.  Each day is a new challenge - a challenge to keep a positive, upbeat attitude when utterly exhausted and wrung out physically, mentally & emotionally.   This is not to say that we have given up, not in any way.  I find myself encouraging myself and John with  "we only need to have enough strength for the day, without burdening ourselves with tomorrow."

By the end of February he will be finished with radiation and the 3 chemo treatments to fight this cancer that has invaded his body.   Oh, that it will not be allowed to invade John's personal hope and faith that he WILL conquer this enemy! 

His "enemy" right now seems to be the fear of throwing up whatever he drinks or eats,  nauseation, and lack of sleep every night.   Fear is truly invasive and can rob us of the strength to fight and conquer each day with an attitude of hopefulness.  

What saddens my heart is watching him just sitting there inbetween naps, looking so empty and forlorn.   Today we managed to get out to do some errands and get some much needed groceries after a really hard week.  Just to get him to move forward is hard for me since he's always been the strong one physically!  So you can imagine how this is from his point of view!!  

Having met another man who is going through the same treatment as John has helped him emotionally as they have been able to sit & chat off and on through the week.  What a great place the Odette Cancer Centre at Sunnybrook Hospital is - the staff, Doctors, nurses, volunteers, Pharmacists & the cancer patients!!  Amazing atmosphere that is continually upbeat and sunny - hope radiates throughout just as Radiation zeros in to kill the cancer cells!!  

When the kids/grandkids call or come over, or one of his brothers/sisters calls, he picks up and there is a spring in his step for a few moments.  Then...back to this really quiet man.  Yes, John has always been a quiet man (one of my favorite John Wayne movies is "The Quiet Man" a quiet Irishman!) but of late he'd totally become more talkative and interactive, laughing & just alive!   That's why since last week it's been difficult to watch him become so non-responsive and quiet!   It's a different quiet than what I'm use to in my man...I'll think about how to explain myself at a later time or maybe I have already.  

Here are a couple pictures of my John as he faces loosing his beard of sooooo many years!


    

John having lost some hair on the right side of his beard
where radiation is concentrated.

     After Michelle helped her dad trim his beard!   

He's not lookin' too bad, huh!  My Irishman! 

So, to see his smiling face, twinkling blue/hazel eyes fade whenever we're alone is hard!  He's struggling!   This week's goal is to get more food into him - lost 13 lbs. - build up his strength & energy level so he's able to face the 3rd chemo treatment & the subsequent 7 days of IV fluid treatment with more resilience.  

I take my quiet, meditation time in God's Word and in prayer each day as a priority in my life - without His strength each and every day I wouldn't be able to keep building up John's spirit.  God alone is my strength, my shelter, my Rock and firm foundation - my hope, joy, and peace! 

Well...that's it for today!  Life IS Fragile and not to be taken for granted - Precious that it is!!   





Cancer Hits Close to Home

I never thought we were exempt from Cancer, but always hoped that John & I would get through our lives without facing it personally.  Which I'm sure is more common than not for people.  Yes, we have close loved ones who have or are working through various types of cancer,  however, John & I have been so well, other than arthritis pain for myself and chronic pain syndrome (Fibromyalgia), we feel so blessed overall. 

So, here we are in our 60's, both of us now Retired, and Cancer hit!  But, the prognosis is excellent and "peace, like a river, attendeth our soul/s". (from the song "It is Well with my Soul") .   How can that be?  Attitude, attitude, attitude!  And a deep knowing within my soul that my God is still in charge .   So that when such a THING like this comes along, my heart & mind immediately goes to that Truth.  John also is facing this new challenge well and that gives me peace of mind.  Will see how he copes once treatment starts!  I'm so grateful that he had already planned to retire before being faced with this challenge since, he won't have to struggle trying to continue working and being tired or whatever the side effects will be.    

I know that Cancer is still feared and people still don't want to talk about it - known as the big "C".  But, then when I constantly reminded myself that we weren't exempt, it has helped considerably!  I use to say quite regularly that "why not me/you?" when someone would complain that something happened to them which just didn't make sense - especially, since we were Believers on Jesus Christ!   That in itself didn't make sense to me!  So much so that nothing that happens, unexpectedly, causes my heart to jump, fear to grip me, or start questioning "WHY ME?" Why not me?  We live in a fallen world, and I'm still part of the human race - yes, I have been forgiven my sin, cleansed and set free from it's power over me, BUT, I'm still living in this world and God's Word does say that "rain...sun...rises on both the righteous and unrighteous..."(Matthew 5:45) Guess I take this to mean that we aren't exempt from the sufferings of this world or the blessings which are common to all men - evil or good.  However, the greatest promise of all to us who are God's Children - part of the Family of God, apart from knowing our future is secured and we do have an Eternal home to look forward to, is that His presence is always with us and His power is in made perfect in our weakness & continually at work in us!  That is the best truth to know especially when the big "C" hits close to home!   

So...now John is facing Radiation/Chemo over a 3-4 mo. period beginning January 5/12.  The cancerous tumour is in the right side of his neck.  He was happy to know that he didn't need to shave off his beard!  Even though he could loose his hair, he's not going to rush to shave it off!  The Nutritionist said he can't afford to lose the 15-20 lbs. that is very likely with the treatment, so they will keep a close watch over him and has given him tips today that I'm sure he'll have no problem with except getting food down when his throat is sore!!   

Personally, I will also have to pace myself physically and discipline myself  when there are things to be done & he won't necessarily have the strength himself to do all that I have come to depend upon him for.   Guess Cancer, or any chronic illness or sudden accidents, etc., is never an individual thing, huh!   Family, friends, and faith in a loving God who will "never leave us or forsake us", prayer support, all help to move us through to success!!   Because, we both know in our hearts that success is there for us and the strength to bear up when weakened is ours through Jesus Christ our Lord.  Amen!

Still feeling blessed,  Jeanine 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path." Proverbs 3:5-6

John decorating the Christmas Tree and looking forward
to seeing all of our kids & grandkids over the
Season.  

New Life Challenge

Since we've moved into our new home - an apartment, John put his notice in at work for the end of the year, adjusting to new surroundings - life continues to bring new challenges. 

About 5 wks ago John went to the Doctors to check out the swelling in his neck, on the right side, that came & went over the past 3 months.  It was discovered there was a lump through x-ray and MRI.  Therefore, an appointment was made with the ENT Specialist.  That has brought us to our new life challenge - CANCER! 

The Specialist booked him an appt. for a tonsillectomy and almost 2 wks. ago he had his day surgery.  Everything went really well and he was awake & alert when Elisa & I were brought into the recovery room.  But, ever the comedian, he could talk and wanted to know what time it was.  Not just once!  But many times!  So the nurse, Janet, brought over a small desk clock and set it on his legs! 

He went back to sleep...and Elisa & I went to the Cafeteria to get some supper until we could take him home.  Also, we had a challenge with getting his pain meds. since the Dr. forgot to put down the quantity!  I was so grateful for Elisa!! She did all the running around that was needed between pharmacy (where I ended up waiting) and the 3rd flr. & the nurse! FINALLY, it was all done and we were able to get his meds and bring him home around 6:30! 

Then...we told the nurse to catch John when he came out of the washroom if she wanted him to sit in a wheelchair for the trip down so I could pick him up! He wouldn`t have agreed to that so readily, so Elisa & I headed out to get our cars right then.  It was really great having her there with me all afternoon and to have a second pair of ears to grasp what the nurse said as to the next step. 

It has been a positive recovery and he did everything he was suppose to - rest, drink lots of liquids, and eat according to the day by day schedule & take his pain meds every 4 hrs.  Yes, he did have some pain, sore ear when chewing, and very tired!  But, overall he did really great. Having Michelle, Dan, Elijah & Dakota here for a couple days was also a positive!  She really helped me to make the move especially to walking to the grocery store & to get his paper which is not far away, but I'd never walked it yet!  So encouraging for me having her here as usual during these periods of change. 


We went back last Tues. to get the pathology results and it is positive for squamous cell carcinoma in the surrounding tissue, and positive for a tumor.  That means further treatment of Radiation and or chemotherapy.  We will know all those details on Tuesday afternoon this week.  


John opening Get Well Card from our American Thanksgiving gang and belated
birthday gift and cards from Elisa, Darek, McKenna & Jaden



The general atmosphere around here has been good and positive. God has really spoken to my heart with a verse from Romans 12:12 "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."  That has been His directive to us and I know that God is faithful and will lead us along this part of our journey together! Whatever is next, everything will work out for our good and, in Christ, our hope for the future is bright!    

A Lifetime of Memories

John & I celebrated 40 years of marriage yesterday!  It really went by quickly and can't even imagine having had that many years of marriage with any other man.  Why & How did you get this far when so many marriage barely manage 3 years and can even break apart after 35 years?

I believe the answer lies in the fact that I sought my God's will from the very first moment of the relationship. 

Looking back:   January 1971 I changed jobs from Claims Examiner at a firm downtown T.O. to a brokerage firm handling claims specifically for the company John worked.  I found him to be the "best bet" to get any answers or action and dealt specifically with him for 4 months.  During that period, an interest started forming for both of us thus prompting both of us to discover what we actually looked like!  And, above all else, who we really were as seen by co-workers. 

May 1971 We made a 1st date for lunch on Bay St. since we both worked along there.  He wasn't all that confident that I would really follow through with the date and low & behold I couldn't - but, not by my own choice!!  We were going to meet on the Monday and on Friday after lunch I slammed a heavy wooden file drawer on my thumb!!!  PAIN - throbbing pain until around 2am I called some friends who came over and got me to the hospital where they proceeded to put a needle into my nail and withdrew the blood that had been collecting there!  From there I ended up going over to the Toronto Island to another friends and stayed with them over Monday!   No Date!!  Not cool of me!   I finally realized that I'd missed our date on the Tuesday morning when I got back to work.  So, we rebooked immediately and within 6 months we were married!

Now to my comment "I sought my God's will..."  At the beginning of that year I had begun to seek God's face again after approx. 10 years of rebellion of going my own way turning away from all that I knew to be true.  That being my confession of faith in Jesus Christ and becoming a Christ-follower when I was approx. 12 yrs. old.  When I was 18 I joined the Army and met my first husband while we visited the Air Force base for a weekend.  Thus, bringing me to Canada eventually in 1965.  After only a couple years our marriage broke up, leaving me here in Toronto without any family. 

That event started a couple more years of doing things that I knew weren't exactly best for me.  I'm sure we can all say that about our choices when in our teens or 20s at some point.  But...I also knew in my heart that my God and Saviour was calling/wooing me back into a love-walk with Him.  So I started following my heart and began looking for a church to attend in the area I was living and praying for His Will for the 1st time in a few years. 

When John came into my life, I had no intent to actually find a husband!  Surprise was the emotion I experienced when he asked me to marry him that Monday - a week after our 1st date and on our 2nd date - realizing that the answer was a resounding "Yes!"   We were both surprised!  When John countered with "you love me!"  "Yes, I do!".  How could that be?  Thus, started a 4 - 6 mo. getting to know each other period.   Which we now can look back upon with amazement after 40 years together we love each other!

God did the leading and the restoring of the years lost in rebellion.  He is a God of restoration and provision - fulfilling our deepest desires even when we didn't know what they are/were. 

More to come...Still in Love with my God and my husband!

Transitions

TRANSITIONS can be tramatic, smooth, exciting or fearful!  For me, this transition has been part of my 2011 forcast:  "looking forward with great expectations!"  It has been so true and I still am excited about how the year has unfolded for us. 

When in May we decided to put our house up for sale there were a couple reactions - "why would you want to do that?" and "where will you be going?"  Well, we weren't going anyWHERE even though our daughter, Michelle, sent her dad information about living in Huntsville!   No, we were still staying in Scarborough - not moving to the westend either, though we had a couple family/friends that thought it would be a good idea. We went forward with our decision - sell and become apt. dwellers and renters!  "No! You shouldn't do that - waste money renting when it could go back into a house or condo!

Well...here we are...renters, apt. dwellers and DEBT FREE!  YES!  For the 1st time in our 40 years of marriage, owning 3 houses, raising 2 children and now being grandparents of 5 absolutely gorgeous grandchildren, we are debt free!  John has put his notice in at work this week and will finally FULLY RETIRE at the end of the year!

Transitions?  These have been the best moments of transitions and only causes us to become more and more relaxed and at ease where we are.   We celebrate our 40th on the 29th of this month and are really happy!  So...I am still looking forward with great expectations to what the future holds - with God it can only be GOOD!  

May all of your TRANSITIONS be faced with a sense of hope and excitement - even when you have no idea what may lie ahead - for God is good and He cares about us, holding us firmly in His Hands and guiding, directing the paths of those who believe in Him!   

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths."

God's Blessings,
Jeanine, Happy with Transitions and the opportunities they offer!